I don’t believe in “should” or “supposed to”, I believe in what is; yet the vague tickle in the back of my mind has grown stronger every day saying, “this isn’t.”
I did an awful lot of LSD when I was young. From age 12 to about 15 or 16 I dropped several times a week. I dropped at school, at home, on the weekends and during the week. I took A LOT. I suppose this might have had an effect on my young mind, eh? I often wonder how I would be different now if I hadn’t done it, but it always felt as though the harm was outweighed by the good… the “mind expansion” (for lack of a much better phrase) made up for the damage. Now I wonder just how much I may have fucked myself up.
I don’t know if it is the acid or my natural chemistry or a mixture of both, but I look around and everything has a gauzy haze of …wrong over it. Dave seems like a total stranger sometimes as does the face that looks at me inquisitively from the mirror. It’s like the feeling you get when you see someone you think you know, but you can’t recall from where. Maybe they look like someone else, maybe they tilt their head like your 5th grade teacher, they wear the same scent as the woman who ran the local video store, they are so very familiar if you could only place it. The certainty that you know them is in direct opposition to your equal certainty that they are a stranger. The conflict holds you still for a moment until you are able to either place the face or shake it off with a shrug and an, “I don’t know.”
I am having that feeling about everything. I live in Arizona? I am with this man who isn’t my husband and the man I was with for 13 years? I am eating a sandwich? I am sitting in a metal box that carries me at speed down paved stretches of road? The things I call my own are new or they carry decades of memories but none of them seem familiar. My family is far away, dear friends and loved ones are dead as are some people I was in conflict with. Somewhere inside the woman I was before 2005 is waking up and blinking in surprise at what she sees around her. She was unconscious for three years and has woken to a completely changed world and a very different self.
I don’t believe in a static Self though. I think that we all change and become and regress with every moment. Still, there were threads that I thought were part of my core that are no longer there, or maybe they are just hidden. From my first awareness of self, there were colors and textures that remained even as the complete picture shifted and changed. Many of those familiar threads went away with sudden force three years ago and I went along, I adapted, I adjusted. Could it all be catching up now?
Maybe there have been too many changes, too many traumas, too many chaotic and confusing turns in the past three years. This is the fourth place I have called home since leaving my apartment in 2005. I am in a different state, I am surrounded by new people. I am in my third new job. I have lost a good deal of weight (for me at least). My hair is longer now. I have new tattoos. I don’t spend much time online anymore. Maybe that’s all it is. I am just starting to catch up to the changes that I have made and those that have been forced upon me. And I am looking to make more in the near future, to change the way I see myself in the world and do something fulfilling.
Maybe that’s all it is.
Or maybe none of this is happening at all.