May 10 2008

Deja vu is the feeling that something happening now has happened to you before (I get deja vu in dreams a lot– “I’ve had this in a dream before…”), what do you call it when you have calm surety that what is happening now …isn’t? I am not going through any particularly hard time, I am not in denial, I am just struck with a very logical, quiet certainty that this life I am in isn’t real somehow, that these moments are illusions. More so, it isn’t where I am supposed to be. (And no, I haven’t been watching “The Matrix” :p)

I don’t believe in “should” or “supposed to”, I believe in what is; yet the vague tickle in the back of my mind has grown stronger every day saying, “this isn’t.”

I did an awful lot of LSD when I was young. From age 12 to about 15 or 16 I dropped several times a week. I dropped at school, at home, on the weekends and during the week. I took A LOT. I suppose this might have had an effect on my young mind, eh? I often wonder how I would be different now if I hadn’t done it, but it always felt as though the harm was outweighed by the good… the “mind expansion” (for lack of a much better phrase) made up for the damage. Now I wonder just how much I may have fucked myself up.

I don’t know if it is the acid or my natural chemistry or a mixture of both, but I look around and everything has a gauzy haze of …wrong over it. Dave seems like a total stranger sometimes as does the face that looks at me inquisitively from the mirror. It’s like the feeling you get when you see someone you think you know, but you can’t recall from where. Maybe they look like someone else, maybe they tilt their head like your 5th grade teacher, they wear the same scent as the woman who ran the local video store, they are so very familiar if you could only place it. The certainty that you know them is in direct opposition to your equal certainty that they are a stranger. The conflict holds you still for a moment until you are able to either place the face or shake it off with a shrug and an, “I don’t know.”

I am having that feeling about everything. I live in Arizona? I am with this man who isn’t my husband and the man I was with for 13 years? I am eating a sandwich? I am sitting in a metal box that carries me at speed down paved stretches of road? The things I call my own are new or they carry decades of memories but none of them seem familiar. My family is far away, dear friends and loved ones are dead as are some people I was in conflict with. Somewhere inside the woman I was before 2005 is waking up and blinking in surprise at what she sees around her. She was unconscious for three years and has woken to a completely changed world and a very different self.

I don’t believe in a static Self though. I think that we all change and become and regress with every moment. Still, there were threads that I thought were part of my core that are no longer there, or maybe they are just hidden. From my first awareness of self, there were colors and textures that remained even as the complete picture shifted and changed. Many of those familiar threads went away with sudden force three years ago and I went along, I adapted, I adjusted. Could it all be catching up now?

Maybe there have been too many changes, too many traumas, too many chaotic and confusing turns in the past three years. This is the fourth place I have called home since leaving my apartment in 2005. I am in a different state, I am surrounded by new people. I am in my third new job. I have lost a good deal of weight (for me at least). My hair is longer now. I have new tattoos. I don’t spend much time online anymore. Maybe that’s all it is. I am just starting to catch up to the changes that I have made and those that have been forced upon me. And I am looking to make more in the near future, to change the way I see myself in the world and do something fulfilling.

Maybe that’s all it is.

Or maybe none of this is happening at all.

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About psychesalve

Still working on getting this blog up & running. I mostly will concentrate on mental illness and my experiences with it here. I am combing through old blogs, journals, emails to flesh out my history with my bipolar diagnosis. When I find these entries I will tag them "Historical Entries". Being diagnosed with a mental illness is a difficult process and can make most of us feel very isolated and confused. Joining up with Bipolar Network is my way of trying to reach out, share my experiences and hopefully add my voice to a growing chorus of people trying to legitimize and normalize bipolar diagnosies. I remember a time when depression was far less acceptable to admit to than it is now, I know it is possible to reduce (though not remove) stigma and ignorance both in the community at large and within the bipolar community itself. I don't know all that I want to say will be relevant, but hopefully something will spark a connection.
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One Response to May 10 2008

  1. lifeonaxis1 says:

    i like the analogy you are using to describe your old you looking around and wondering wtf is going on. i personally don’t feel like my old self at all. i feel like i spent the last year in a cocoon that i’ve just peeled off. the world is different. i am different too.

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